We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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