Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
