life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
