My liver just broke up with me...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
