I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
