i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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