What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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