Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
