my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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