Just cropdusted the office
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Couch. On fire.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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