I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
