You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
