No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i was born a porn star she said
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
