She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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