i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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