everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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