batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
