im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
