I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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