I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
