a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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