I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
