mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
