Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
