i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
