and next time when you feel me up, do it right
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
