one word: firstdatebathroomanal
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
