i will never coherently bang her
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
