Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
