I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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