I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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