Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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