i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
