I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
