I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
