I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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