2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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