Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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