This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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