I am puke
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
