Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I wear drunk well.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
