Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
