Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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