if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
