I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
