New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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