Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have aggressive nipples.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize