my mouth tastes like poor choices
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just gift wrapped bread.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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