I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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