She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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