I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
