Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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