Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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