That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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