dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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