i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
